Time to End a Saying: Sympathy is in the Dictionary Between Suicide and Syphilis

I had a couple of serious relationships before I got married. When those relationships ended, I was devastated. I was forever going to be alone. Quite frankly, this was another grieving process I had endured. There are many kinds of losses that feel like emptiness can never be full or whole again. How do we survive without our spouses, pets, siblings, parents, grandparents, friends, aunts, uncles? How again, did I survive?

Then at age 30 I finally met my husband, Erik. (You know that story from an earlier blog). During our wedding vows, the Rabbi said to us, “Stacey, you have waited a long time for this.” I replied, “Amen,” and the ceremony guests were laughing. So that brings me to relationships ending for any reason. It’s a huge loss, often feeling alone, devastated, and truly grieving. All losses are not equal but the emptiness in your stomach can feel the same as the death of a loved one. My stepmom in my devastation, had a saying to live by. It was, “Sympathy is in the dictionary between suicide and syphilis.”

Okay so we know I didn’t get my sympathy and empathy gene from her. She wanted me to move on and she wasn’t going to be a sympathetic ear or a shoulder to cry on. My Aunt Anita, my biological mom’s sister who I often yearned for, would be someone I wanted to have meaningful conversations with, and on such occasions would similarly say, “Buck up buttercup.” Perhaps my stepmother and aunt sound like some of your relatives under such similar losses?

When my first breakup occurred, I was in college. I did work hard to “buck up” and “move on.” I put my energy into school. I read my textbooks and tried to focus more. It paid off; I had an amazing semester and improved my G.P.A. It was validating, a coping skill something no one could take away. How it happened I have no idea, but those so in touch with their feelings like me, must work twice as hard. I had climbed the mountain again and I survived these breakups.

However, I also belonged to a support group. This support group had others who had some of the same struggles as me. I struggled with control. I often talked to myself and others about the things you can and can’t control.  We can’t control other people, places, or things. Let’s put it this way, I say you can’t control “nouns.” But we can control how we react and truthfully that’s it.  During such difficult times, I began to recite the serenity prayer.“God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can and the wisdom to know the difference.” Oh, how that prayer resonates with me. So please take my advice. If you are experiencing loss of any type, it is not just about self-care. Yes, you must take control and, and this is a big AND find people like you, so you know you are not alone. I would be so humbled and honored if you reached out to me to start that process. Then it is my hope you too can heed my new saying. A saying with a more positive universal spin, “Sympathy is in the dictionary between support and symphony.”