Uncategorized – Page 3 – Spilling The Beans

There is a poem, birth is the beginning. When I was young I knew I wanted a baby girl. I wanted a daughter to carry on the memories that I had with my mother who I called Mommy. My Mommy, Barbara was a unique individual, at times she was fun and other times reactive (that’s another story). My Mommy was both born in September and died in September. I wished for something happy in September. My beautiful baby girl was a planned baby girl born September 3, 1998.

So, when I was thirty-three, I was pregnant with her. I was five months pregnant when I got put on bed rest for low amniotic fluid. It was the Friday of Memorial Weekend, my doctor said I needed to be on bed rest until the baby was born. That was a long and hot summer to say the least. I was supposed to lay on my side, most of the time. What side I don’t remember. Erik (my husband) was trying to complete a recorded video from a book he had written and was gone every Saturday and Sunday as he worked his salaried position during the week. He would pick up my five movies from the BlockBuster down the street that I had ordered, and he made sure I had enough Kraft macaroni and cheese.

When my Birthday came in June, I asked the doctor if I could at least celebrate my Birthday. He said yes, but to keep it low key. Erik and I went to Bill Knapps so I could have my cake and eat it too. So here are my thoughts. My Mommy died when she was thirty-three a couple of weeks before her thirty-fourth Birthday. I kept thinking here I am pregnant and starting a family, and hers had ended already. It was such an emotional Birthday. To me when someone dies, they never have “heavenly Birthdays as most people like to say. To me they are not celebrating another year lived. It’s just the day they were born. My Mommy will forever be thirty-three even though she has been gone forty-four and a half years. So she would be seventy-eight today. How can the be that I have outlived her twenty- three years.

Next line of the poem is life is journey and what journey it has been. So my journey is to follow.

I’ve been working in retail at my favorite store for the last few weeks, to have something to do right now with so much uncertainty. Last week I was putting security tags on these stunning white eyelet dresses getting ready for the springtime. I noticed the tag on the dress said what the dress was made of and how to take care of it, like most clothing items have. It said 50% cotton, 50% silk handmade, wash in cold water, air dry etc. I then began to think woah… what would my tag say on me if I was a dress? I think it would say 25% strength, 25% hope, 25% love, 25% empathy. Delicate item wash gently, handle with care.

I’d say the biggest part of me is my genuine spirit. I am so comfortable with who I am and being true to myself. That is what people love about me. I feel like I have lost that mojo about me the last couple of months. I’ve never ever wanted to be put in a box. Growing up there was always a concern about my academic achievements. I graduated high school with honors and got into a Big 10 university. Aside from these accomplishments my strength didn’t lie in math or science. My strength lied in my emotional intelligence and ability to communicate.

I was so high in my communication skills and emotional intellect that there was never an accurate read on psychological tests for me growing up. Emotional intelligence and communication skills are what I pride myself on. I am very self-aware, and I am aware of others around me. However, because I was just average in those other subjects I wasn’t considered successful. My success was being measured by the box my peers were in. It was always a struggle growing up amongst my peers. There were days where I sat alone at lunch, there were days when time was moving so slowly I thought my school days would never end. I was always happy playing my imaginative games whenever I came home from school no matter what age.

I have always known that I was special and I was different but that didn’t mean that it still did not hurt. I have always given myself love and appreciation and this is something that I still work on and always will. I think it is natural as a human. Growing up I knew I was destined for big things and I still truly feel that way. As an empath, I understand what the world needs in order for everyone to thrive. I want to change the world. I want to change people. I have always been thinking of different ways to do that.

Category: Uncategorized

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Wearing What’s Impressive-Part 1